Friday Features: Ways You Can Deal With Coronavirus

Amelia White '25 with her five adorable

The White Family

Amelia White '25 with her five adorable "Littles."

Amelia White '25, Staff Writer

If you are anything like me during this time of solidarity at home, you are often charged with babysitting. So, here are six tricks and tips to help keep Littles corona-free. (Because if they were to get the virus on your watch, you might be sent to Timbuktu!) ***

  1. Buy some minor-grade explosives: One of the ways the coronavirus spreads is through human interaction. Installing smallish bombs around the perimeter of your property can make sure that possibly infected humans can’t be anywhere near Littles (at least in one piece)! But make sure to mark them clearly, or else the Littles might accidentally set them off by accident while playing during the quarantine boredom. 
  2. Get a fake driver’s license: If you are too young to get a real one (like me), then go invest in some black-market fake ID sellers. Because when the Littles get too crazy and you know you can stop them, you are going to need to have a way to escape. A secret hidden Lambo in the underground garage can be available for that fake ID to take advantage of. 
  3. Replace all the locks in your home- While doing online classes, my Littles have been unwatched, interrupting by screaming, dancing and jumping in the background. Replacing all locks and then locking them Littles in one room or not in the upstairs can eliminate the problem. Heavy-duty fingerprint locks are the best (See $800-million locks from Etsy).
  4. Place all kinds of booby-traps around your room (house): Another problem with quarantined Littles is that they get so bored, they interrupt your online classes. A way to ensure they do not dance partially naked in your classes (yes this did happen, but I turned my camera off, so we´re good Ms Hanrahan) is to place booby-traps. I recommend placing them in at least a 20-foot radius including up, down, and sideways.
  5. Send Littles to reset your router: Also like me, if your internet is going in and out during your online classes, maybe one solution is to reset your router. Then, the Littles are busy doing a task that benefits you, and they are not available to come in and interrupt your classes. Plus, you can reset your locks and set booby-traps while they’re gone. 
  6. Make sure to stock up on rope: Worst case scenario, the only way to completely avoid the coronavirus is to ensure that the Littles stay in one safe place. Naturally, the only way of accomplishing this is to tie them up. Preferably around a pole, easily accessible in an unfinished basement. Make sure to check them for weapons beforehand, however (Or anything sharp or that could break through the rope you bind them in).

*** This article is meant to be humorous and not offensive to the current situation of severity concerning the coronavirus. Please do not follow the tips and tricks above.