My most-played Christmas song on Spotify this year is easily “Where Are You Christmas?” from the live-action How the Grinch Stole Christmas soundtrack. While I’m normally the first one to be blasting Kelly Clarkson’s “Underneath the Tree” as soon as we finish Thanksgiving dinner, this year hasn’t been the same at all. The stress of college applications completely consumed my senior fall. To say that I didn’t go home and think about college applications every single day for the past three months would be a complete and utter lie. It wasn’t until I looked up from the CommonApp and realized it was already December that I sat back and asked myself how I’ve allowed the beginning of my senior year to joylessly pass me by so quickly. Now, whether or not my Christmas song choices this year are so reflective of my college process angst that they’re humorous, they do tell me something about the effect that college applications are having on my emotions.
Pretty much every adult in my life has told me the same thing: “Don’t allow this process to cause you anxiety.” With as much respect as possible, hearing that doesn’t do anything but remind me of how I should be feeling, along with the reality that I’m not feeling that way. As a result, I’ve gotten really good at tuning out almost all opinionated voices other than perhaps the most opinionated one: my own. To put it simply, I haven’t been very kind to myself throughout this process. When I wasn’t working on the applications themselves, I was internally tearing myself down. “You’ll never get in there. You aren’t good enough. You’re stupid.” It was, and sometimes still is, an endless cycle of internal degradations. I began to notice that what I was continuously telling myself on the inside had a noticeable effect on my emotions toward completely unrelated events. At Homecoming, I definitely didn’t feel enthusiastic. On Halloween, I stayed home. On Thanksgiving, I didn’t know what I was thankful for. And now, the Christmas season is upon us. While it definitely won’t be easy, I’ve decided that I’m making an attempt to reclaim the Christmas spirit.
During Christmastime, I’m usually able to come up with a mental bullet-point list of things to look forward to. This year, while December has only just begun, I feel like I’ve genuinely been watching it happen through a sheet of glass. To feel disconnected from a time of year that usually brings me so much joy, simply because I’ve allowed myself to be overcome with the anxiety of college decisions, is a sad thing to realize. However, when I find myself getting into a Scrooge-like mindset, I look to my grandmother (or “Nana,” as her grandkids know her) for a lesson in Christmas spirit.
Every year, Nana sets up a Christmas village in her house, complete with dozens of lit-up Department 56 buildings and a working train. Ever since I was little, this table-top Christmas village has been nothing short of magical. While she carefully arranges the wintery scene, she makes sure to hang up each grandchild’s stocking by her fireplace. However, she refuses to add the finishing touch on the village until all of her grandchildren can be there to help her. The finishing touch is, of course, a sprinkling of fluffy snow. This twinkling and magical Christmas village has steadfast been one of the reasons I love Christmas. However, something suddenly hit me this year while I was lamenting my college-related anxiety and trying to find some Christmas spirit: Nana doesn’t really care about the Department 56 buildings, or even the working train. What she truly cares about is that all of us are together to partake in a tradition that brings us joy. The snow itself was never the finishing touch, but instead it is the older grandchildren helping the younger grandchildren sprinkle the snow where they cannot reach. My Nana surrounds Christmas with love.
While I can’t say this realization caused my college decision anxiety to magically disappear, keeping everything in perspective has been a key element of reclaiming the Christmas spirit. I may not have any college acceptances as of yet; however, I am fortunate enough to have a family who loves me, something I realize I take for granted every time I turn on the news. My family’s definition of Christmas spirit is love and togetherness, and while it won’t always be easy to keep in mind during this stressful time of year, I know I am extremely lucky. As December progresses, day by day, I’ll be playing “Where Are You Christmas?” one time fewer.
By: Chloe Stefani ‘24, Fashion Editor
24cstefani@montroseschool.org
