*Disclaimer: Spoilers ahead*

Throughout the seven years of Montrose, girls read a wide variety of books in their English classes. While we discuss the symbolism, metaphors, and what we can learn from each of these stories with teachers in class, one of the more entertaining subjects of discussion (at least within the Class of ‘24) is the male protagonists, or, more specifically, which of The Guys™ in these stories is the best. After completing Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, this topic has become even more prevalent, as girls debate who is the better man: Mr. Darcy or Mr. Bingley. Since then, charts have been scribbled in notebooks and rankings have appeared on the whiteboard. So- I have decided to take the liberty of writing a ranking of The Guys™ from English class so that you don’t have to. After sending out a survey to all Montrose high schoolers, I have (through extremely scientific and analytical methods) created a tiered ranking and formulated a conclusive opinion on each of The Guys™.

I will begin this scientific analysis with the top-tier. These men are the epitome of perfection and all things that are good and beautiful. In this category, we only have two (which makes sense because it is rare to find gems such as these): Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice and Laurie Laurence from Little Women. 

Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice: 

It is only fitting, to begin with, Mr. Darcy, from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy is the epitome of the expression “tall, dark, and handsome.” As Catherine Olohan ‘22 put it: “He is perfect. There’s no other way to describe it- 10/10 in looks, personality, character, morals, and anything else you can think of.” Survey responses indicate that most girls agree with her, as the majority of respondents (37.5%) answered that he was their overall favorite. While it was almost unanimously agreed that he would be the most argumentative of the candidates, it was also decided that he would insist on paying for the date. Darcy would be an incredibly loyal partner to have by your side, and he also wouldn’t be the worst thing to look at. 37% of respondents stated that Darcy would be the most likely to go and get the car out in the rain for you so you don’t get wet, and he tied with Mr. Laurie Laurence for best husband material. If you’re looking for a man willing to play the long-term, look no further than Mr. Darcy. 

Laurie Laurence from Little Women:

Our next candidate is Laurie Laurence from Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women. I think we can all agree that Laurie stole our hearts when we first read about him in the seventh grade. Laurie is often remembered for his child-like joy and manner, as well as his more innocent nature. Mary Connolly ‘24 states: “Laurie just gives me attractive vibes. He just seems like he would be the ultimate package. Just like his name and his aesthetic *ugh* it’s to die for.” I am inclined to agree with Connolly’s statement, who doesn’t love him? 38.7% of survey respondents stated that Laurie would be the best out of the candidates to meet your family, and another 29% stated that he would be the most likely to ask you how your day was (receiving the majority.) 53.3% agreed that Laurie would get along best with your friends, and another 32.1% stated that his friends would be the best to hang out with (I mean… the March sisters… duh). Laurie is definitely a top-tier man, and even beat Darcy in that regard as he seized the most votes for best dad material, receiving the majority with 21.4% of votes. Laurie is the ultimate middle school crush, and nothing beats your first love. 

As a sort of comparison between Mr. Darcy and Laurie, a stand-out statement that was made by a surveyed individual serves well by stating “Laurie would be cute for a boyfriend, Darcy would be the ONE.” 

Now it is time to move on to what I will lovingly refer to as the simply “mid” tier. These guys are great options, but frankly cannot be on the same level as Darcy and Laurie. In this tier, we have Charles Bingley, Gilbert Blythe, Romeo, Sir Percy, Sydney Carton, and Charles Darnay.

Charles Bingley from Pride and Prejudice:

To begin our analysis, let’s look at Charles Bingley, from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. He very much gives “golden-retriever” energy and seems to have no issue ghosting his girlfriend because his friend told him to (props for being a loyal friend though?) Personally, I loved Bingley’s character and I don’t understand the hate that he gets. 25% of those asked stated that he would be the best on a first date (winning the vote) He came in second for a couple of categories, which is fitting with his character always being everyone’s second option, but rarely coming in first. Bella Prunier ‘24 said: “Eh, he’s nice and all, but he’s desperate and awkward and I feel like he definitely has a fifteen-step skincare routine.” 

Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables: 

Moving on to Gilbert Blythe from the Anne of Green Gables series by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I’m not going to lie, I expected Gilbert to receive more votes than he got. Maybe it’s because it has been a while since high schoolers have read these books in sixth grade, but still. Gilbert is a safe option, but nothing more or less. If you want something stable and static, look into changing your last name to Blythe (but maybe don’t… it’s not the most attractive last name you could have).

Romeo from Romeo and Juliet: 

Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo. Well, apparently, he is not just in Juliet’s heart. He received the most votes for being the biggest simp (which could be a good or bad thing, depending on your perspective), and people also thought that out of all the guys, he would “do the very most for you.” This isn’t surprising, considering he did take his own life just to be with Juliet. Even though Romeo and Juliet is arguably the most well-known play of all time, Romeo seemed to be somewhat an underrated choice. Abbie Lindblad ‘24 gave a decisive call when she simply stated: “Romeo is hot.” I will end on that note. 

Sir Percy from The Scarlet Pimpernel: 

Sir Percy from The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy. Wow. I truly did forget he existed until it was time to write this. However, once a friend mentioned his name, I immediately recalled my high opinion of him. The majority of voters (37.9%) agreed that he would be the best to go on an adventure with (obviously.) Who better to go on an adventure with than a spy? Besides that, he might be slightly forgettable because almost every person I spoke with needed prompting on what book he was from (which I think is a bit unfair to him… I mean… the guy kissed the ground his wife walked on… literally). As Eliza Glaeser ‘24 stated: “He’s smart, kind, hot, and rich. Full package. 100%.” While that may be true, I think having a secret identity is a big red flag. 

Charles Darnay and Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities:

Charles Darnay from Charles Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities was severely underrated. Like, where was the hype? He received a few votes here and there but definitely did not get the praise he so deserves. Do I go so far as to describe him as an off-brand, Mr. Darcy? I think yes. 

Ending the mid-tier section is none other than Sydney Carton from Charles Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities. Whilst composing this ranking, I considered putting him in the top tier section but decided against it as I don’t think his stats could come close enough to join (but his are substantially better than the others in this tier). Carton received second place after Darcy for the all-around favorite but also received the most votes (37%) for who would always be late. He also came as a close second for who would ask you about your day, and for who would do the very most for you (again, not surprising.) Maybe I am a little biased, but he 100% had the best declaration of love. Telling Lucie he would die for her and or her family even though she might not love him? Woah. The one characteristic that truly brings down Carton’s ranking is his self-deprecating manner, but apparently, that isn’t the biggest deal-breaker for some.  Eliza Glaeser ‘24 stated: “Sydney Carton would be awful in a relationship, but honestly it’s okay.” Take that as you will.

Pip Pippin from Great Expectations and Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre: 

While the respondents had varied opinions on who they thought was the best, I think any statistician would be mind-blown when I report the disproportional hatred of Mr. Rochester from Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre and Pip Pippin from Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations. 54.8% of survey responses put Rochester as their least favorite. Pip was the next least favorite with 27.3%. Also, 48.1% think Pip would make you pay on the first date, and in second place is Rochester with 20.7%. They were neck and neck for who would do the bare minimum- Rochester leads with 42.9% and Pip is close behind with 32.1%. Most toxic: Rochester with a whopping 60.7%. Who would make you go get the car in the rain: Rochester with 35.7% of votes and Pip with 28.6%. Lastly, an impressive 39.3% of respondents think that Pip would make you carry him so that his shoes don’t get dirty (he needs to take notes from Sir Percy…). There was not one positive comment for either of the two. I can’t even do the Rochester and Pip slander justice, so I’ll just let the survey responses speak for themselves: 

(note: if the quote is “name because…” the prompt was “who was your least favorite and why?”)

• “Rochester because he literally lied about being married and tricked his daughter’s tutor into marrying him” – Leslie Baker ‘24
• “Rochester creeped me out” – anonymous respondent (but very true) 
• “ Rochester because he’s toxic. Like, secret wife?? Locked in your attic??? Dude.” – Raine Niebuhr ‘24
• “Rochester is toxic… all around gross” – Rosie Reale ‘24 
• “Ok like, Mr. Rochester manipulated Jane, was terrible to that little girl and lied to her so much, and it was clearly an ‘I can fix him’ kind of relationship. Also, he was like, explicitly ugly, which, while not a deal-breaker, doesn’t help. Oh and he LOCKED HIS SECRET WIFE IN THE ATTIC BECAUSE SHE WAS MENTALLY ILL. there’s that too… Bertha Mason deserved so much better and I would probably try to burn down Thornfield too if I were her.”  – Lucy Demeo ‘24

And now for Pip’s … 

• “Pip can just leave” – Theresa Marcucci ‘23
• “Pip is legit a butt like miss man is like oMg I wOrK aT tHe BaNk I’m rIcH- like no you baboon you’re literally poor you’re just lucky to have someone to sponsor you, you twat AND HE LEGIT IS IN LOVE WITH A BULLY LIKE actually, he deserves it.” – Abbie Lindblad ‘24
• “Pip uses people” – Julianna Lennon ‘25
• “Pip because he’s annoying”- Katie Hanifin ‘24
• “Pip because he sucks” – Erin Kampersal ‘25 
• “Whenever I picked Pip for one of the answers know that I did it in a derogatory way” – Lucy Demeo ‘24 

You have been presented with data, facts, and in-depth analysis of all The Guys™. Take this with a grain of salt, but remember, facts don’t lie. I close with some pieces of advice that I want you to carry with you forever: If a man saves your sister from a scandalous affair that will mark the other four sisters as unmarriable, get down on one knee yourself. If a man has a strange name (*cough* Pip *cough*) run. If a man is hiding his ex-wife in his attic (and doesn’t tell you that he is married, or that anyone’s even up there), run even faster.

Helen Olohan ‘24, Staff Writer & Catherine Olohan ‘22, Clubs & Classes Editor

24holohan@montroseschool.org, 22colohan@montroseschool.org